I bet You've already met my grandpa. How is he doing?

Sometimes I wonder, whether do You really exist or not? If You do, why are You doing this to me? It's been a hell month and I really wish this month will go pass AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! It's my birthday month, and I should be celebrating it. Instead, You gave me obstacles after obstacles to go through, within 2 weeks. How am I suppose to react? What am I suppose to do? I'm only human, I can't be possibly facing all this at one time. It's a miracle I'm still alive and sane at this moment.

Why do you put me to such test at such timings? I don't know how much longer I can take. To start of with, I've got dreams about people dying, my family, my close friends, someone who has a place in my heart. I dreamt of murder, killings, accidents. Everything I dread that will happen to people around me.

To make matters worse, I've got a sudden knee pain, which renders me from walking fast, jumping and climbing stairs. Then, the break up. Followed by fever, cough, flu, sorethroat, migraine, nose bleed, chest pain, asthma attack. Everything that scared the daylight out of me. I didn't even do anything extraordinary but yet all this happened. Not like I asked for it or not because I wasn't taking care of myself. It just happened. To add to that, I lost appetite, work load becomes heavier. All this happened when I'm alone. Home alone, walk alone, laugh alone, cry alone. Just me, myself and I.

People around me start questioning my credibility and ability. I'm not proud of some of the decisions I made but I'm only human. And human made mistake. Where is Chance when I need one? Where is Rational when I need it? Where is Understanding or Forgiveness or Patience? Why am I always at fault? Why do I always have to defend myself? Why can't people understand the circumstances I was in? A pinch of hate really does overpower a handful of love I guess. Work politics are soaring high, projects are getting more and studies has just begun. How am I suppose to go through all this alone? Where are You?

The only thing I'm happy about this month is cause it's my birthday month. That also no one remembers my birthday. Where are all my friends when I need them? Are You trying to tell me they are not really my friends? Or are You just giving me time to evaluate my circle of friends and loved ones?

Are You trying to tell me something? Please! Just tell me. It's depressing to go through all this not knowing what to do and where to head. Sometimes I really lost faith in You. But yet, I cant. You are the only one who is keeping me sane right now. I need some guide, anything to lead the way. A sign, maybe?

It's not fun at all. And I need to go to the hospital for a knee X-ray soon. It's killing me. I know health is more important than anything. But yet at the same time, I've got commitments to tend to. And I'm afraid of the X-ray result. I'm afraid it might be something I don't wish to know. I don't wish to go through this on my own. I can't. Is this some kind of test from You?

Sometimes I pray for my guardian angel to come save me. Yet, nothing  and no one came. Not even a sign. Often, I work myself crazy tired so that I can escape from all this 'tests' You put me through. What do You want me to do?

If You really exist, please give me a sign. Tell me that everything will be fine. Assure me that I'm not alone. Give me something I can hold on to to stay afloat. I'm drowning.

I'm tired. Nothing I do seems right. I'm giving up. I've failed this test.

'Nuff said..

Sometimes I love you
Sometimes I don't
But I never ever
Never want to let you go
The road's not easy
But the feeling's strong
It's the little things that keep me holding on

We have our highs and lows
Something everybody knows
Doesn't mean that we run away
We work through our mistakes 

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Results are out... Thank god I passed!! And something's wrong with my left leg, knee cap hurts till it drives me crazy!! I can't even climb up the stairs.. Have to go consult a doc ady.. Hope nothing's wrong.. =S

I've learnt new things of late..

Things that I was ignorant to or basically couldn't have the courage to acknowledge about..

To sum it all, I call it the recipe of life...

2 Heaping cups of patience
1 Heart full of love
2 Hands full of generosity
Dash of laughter
1 Head full of understanding
A pinch of disappointment
A few drops of stress and anger
Sprinkle generously with kindness
Add plenty of faith and mix well
Spread over a period of lifetime
Garnish with a tablespoon of trust
And serve everyone you meet

Exam finished not too long ago but I'm already bored to death. Been drowning myself with work just to get my mind going. After that, I'll just stone at home alone and let tv be my companion. Everyone's going everywhere, but not me. I'm not going anywhere or doing anything at all. It's sad to know that no one is here when you really need someone to talk to. Not blaming anyone here though. Everyone's either had plans with friends, loved ones and family. As for me? I had plans to move office and work, work, work and more work. My family will be down here to celebrate my birthday with me though. That's the only thing I'm looking forward to although deep in me I'm hoping for a pleasant surprise which may seem quite out of reach. 21st birthday with my parents. How bad can it get, right?

After all, they are the ones to stick by you no matter what, and there are the ones paying our university fees and brought us up till we become who we are right now. I do hope for a surprise every now and then but I know I should not get my hopes too high else I'll end up in a much bigger disappointment. From the way things are going now, all I can do is sit and hope and pray that someday my wishes will be heard and it will come true. I don't wish for anything big or pricey or over the sky, I just wish that life will turn out the way it should be. Yes, I'm talking about YOU.

Well, I've always tell myself, this is the path I've chosen and eventhough it's not anywhere near easy, it was my choice and I will stick to it and make it work no matter what. 'Where there's a will, there's a way'. It's never easy to make choices and decisions. Even if you think you've made the best decision of all, some may beg to differ. After all, different individual has different way of looking at things. I've made so many decisions based on other's interest and I know sometimes I should be a tad bit more selfish. But I can't. My parents didn't brought me up to be inconsiderate and ignorant.

Being in the situation I am in now, I've learnt to be more patient and just do things as it comes. Sometimes, situation gets the best of me and I'll find myself curling up in a corner and cry. It's never easy and it never will be. But I’ve learnt to make the best out of everything and just be positive.

My parents often advice me to not trust people so easily. But yet, I'm the type who will give people chances when they've done something wrong. I always try to picture myself in the other party's shoes, what if this situation happens to me in the future?

I expect to get the same treatment as how I treat everyone but I guess this won't be a mutual kind of thing. I've done my best and yet there will be someone or something to interfere with everything. Enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of cleaning up all the mess already. I don't mind cleaning up messes if I'm being treated properly but I guess this won't happen after all.

I'll do things according to protocol then. Don't ever say I don't do this or that as it does not fall under my jurisdiction anymore. I'm tired of helping out for everything and yet in the end when I need help, none come my way. It's never easy to hide the feelings of disappointment and anger. I'm getting used to it. I can't be ranting away to all my friends, they'll think I'm just childish. So, I shall just keep it to myself.

This is the first ever time after an exam I'm sitting at home, stoning and hoping and praying for a miracle/surprise to happen. Waiting for someone to knock on the door, or a message. Time will tell everything. I guess I'm wishing too much. Friends are just friends, can't expect them to hang around me 24/7. But all I need is just YOU. Nevermind, don't bother about me. I'm just being random.

I think I need to get out from this place. I need a breather. I need somewhere and someone who I can talk to and be the real me. But that someone unfortunately is not here right now.

I shall focus all my energy to something else, i.e work. Now I understand why my mom was such a workaholic. It gets the mind off something/someone you care for so deeply. It helps to put aside the feeling of helplessness.

I finally understand.

ps: This whole entry is not solely about YOU. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. This is my blog, it's only rational I blog about how I feel and what I'm going through. That doesn't mean I don't understand what YOU are going through. And it doesn't mean I'm trying to pick a fight.

Just in case you don't realise, I'm still here and I've got feelings and patience level too..

Just because I don't mind some of the things you do, doesn't mean I won't mind everything..

Don't go around scrutinizing things behind my back thinking I won't find out when you've asked me to do it in the first place..

Don't go around telling others how bad things are and pretend like nothing happens in front of me..

Promises are meant to be kept, else it's only words..

And yet you've been proven to make empty promises..

Actions speak louder than words..

And everyone deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt, you said that yourself..

Just because you are a notch above me doesn't mean I should report everything to you..

And just because of your position too you think you have all the right to do things without me knowing..

All you could do is just ask..

Is it really that hard?

I began to realise that everyday I'm living to the expectation of someone else other than my own.. It's beginning to wear me down and getting me tired.. And every now and the expectations begin to grow bigger and bigger when you are enable to accomplish the smaller expectation they set for you before that.. Finally one fine day, you'll realise that you can't stand living up to what is now you and here you are, lost and without any direction..

I've been led with expectation all this while and that's my purpose of life actually... And when it all began to get heavy on me, here I am, lost and don't know what to do.. If i wanted to make things right, where should i start in the first place? I don't even know where to begin mending the problem.. And when I wanna mend the problem, everything else has to happen at the same time... It's like one problem start after another and I don't even have time for myself already..

Expectation from parents is constantly reminded through the phone and whenever they come down for a visit.. Expectation from work is constantly reminded through the pile of work builidng up every single.. Just when you thought you've settled an issue, another will slowly mushroom out.. Expectation from studies is seriously calling too... This is my 3rd and final year studying and the amount of work is MASSIVE!! Then there are problems arising from personal life.. That I'll keep it personal...

Every week, there are bound to be something to be done, email to be sent, report to be done, revision, meeting to attend to, classes to attend to, decisions to be made and definitely spending time with the boyfriend..  Sometimes, parents will come down for a visit, and thus, spending time with them.. Do I have any time for myself anymore?

Everyone is looking at what's the next step you'll take and whenever you did one step wrong, here they go, pinpointing it to the end.. Then what about those times when I actually did something right and accomplish something? They were nowhere in sight to even give a pat on the shoulder.. Is a simple phrase such as 'Good Job' or 'Well done' really that hard to be uttered out? It's part of a motivation and acknowledgement that they are aware of what you are doing and they are grateful for everything you've done... A simple phrase like that will make everything seemed worthwhile.. Yet it is so hard to give compliment and critisism comes easily instead..

I'm not referring to anyone in this post.. And it definitely does not refer to the week I just had.. It's has been in me all this while and I guess this is the time to just let it all out before it affects me even more.. As it is, it has already affect my relationship with the boyfriend and I hope to resolve everything with him soon before things turn ugly which is already bad enough at this point in time.. 

Next week will be another week to go through.. I somehow lost the drive to do anything already.. Hopefully I'll get it back soon, else I'll be in hot water..

Sometime I feel like disappearing from everything for a while, but then again it will be so irresponsible to leave everything behind half hanging..

I'm tired..

Well… it’s been a while since I blogged…

So much happened this month, I don’t even know where to begin…

It’s been a month since I’ve been back here in ipoh..

Not actually my choice to come back here for the holidays.. it’s for attachment purposes…

Speaking of which, my mom spent nearly a thousand bucks shopping for stuffs for me for the attachment… she say I need to give a good first impression to my future employees…  sweat..

To the extend of spending so much? A bit the no need right?

Started my attachment on the 27^th of November.. suppose to start on the 1^st of dec but decided to start early coz got nothing to do here anyway.. hehe..

Attachment not that bad… loads of stuffs to learn and see everyday…

Work starts everyday from 8.30am to 5 pm.. Monday to Friday… Saturday is optional…

Story 1

Every seen anyone go crazy? I’ve seen one in the hospital…

Apparently her husband left her for someone else and she uses black magic to charm him back.. it backfired on her and she eventually went cuckoo.. sweat..

Now, whenever we ask her something, she’ll give different answers everytime we ask the same questions.. she was admitted without knowing who she is and where she stay.. and without any money at all! No one came to visit her too… =S

Story 2

Remember when we were young and we almost drive out parents crazy with all our naughtiness? And when our parents will cry out loud that we’ll someday make them vomit blood and rupture a vein or something?

I saw a woman vomit blood literally…

She had high blood pressure and was rushed to the hospital with a nose bleed… the moment we arrived to take her blood, she vomited blood… literally…! *shivers*

Working in the hospital is indeed challenging…

Was assigned to the microbiology section on the first week of work… had to face specimens such as urine, stool, sputum, blood, swabs and so many more…

And we had to do sperm washing almost everyday when I was assigned to that section…

Sperm washing requires the patient to produce the specimen at that point and pass it to us to isolate the best sperm with the best potential to fertilise.

Imagine the faces of the patients when we ask them to produce it in the toilet just outside our lab… some had happy faces, some shied away… there’s even one patient who claimed he cant produce it unless he’s at home and we had to allow him to go back home and come back within half an hour else the sperm will all die…

Then I was assigned to the blood bank.. that’s where we crossmatch patient’s blood with donor’s blood for blood transfusion… and that’s where we get donors to donate blood too..

Anyone interested in donating? The hospital is giving RM50 jusco vouchers for voluntary donors…

Almost a month into this and I’ve learn soooooooOoOooO much already…!

However, I’m still afraid of taking blood from the patients for fear that I might bleed them too much till they might be hospitalized… *I must overcome this fear though…* maybe next week I’ll ask my supervisor to let me take blood from patients…

I’ve also learnt not to be personal with all my patients… not personal as in intimate, just personal as in bond and concern about their families… it’s tiring and affect the way we do things too… the way we run tests on them and the way we interpret the results…

There’s a super fine line between friends and patients and it’s so hard to differentiate it sometimes…

Looking forward to being posted to a new department next week…

Loads more to learn ahead…!

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yup, finally the ball has come and gone...

it was a great success i must say.. thanks to everyone who did a great job in ensuring that the ball went on smoothly...

the day started at 9 plus, where we had to go to palace of the golden horses to pack all the goodie bags... all in all, i think we packed more than 2000 goodie bags for the guests...

ean from hitz.fm was the emcee and jonathan had the honour to co-emcee with him... *jealous*...

nevertheless, everyone enjoyed the nite (i hope)... the lucky draw prizes were superb... Thanks to all the sponsors this year for sponsoring such expensive and eye popping prizes...

the nite started at around 8 plus, with light show then followed by an opening act..

then eat, performance, eat, lucky draw, eat, entertainment, eat and eat and eat... lolz...

the pagent caught most of the guests attention... all the finalist did their best and everyone deserve to win..
too bad we only had 4 titles to give out...

nothing bad happened, thank god... we had a great time that nite... tean was shoving condoms into a bowl, gerel was running up and down, vincent was busy distributing goodie bags (just like santa claus), nav was busy with her pagent finalist, suba and i running up and down for lucky draw prizes... lolz.. busy but enjoyed every bit of it...

my baby went as well... but i've to leave him alone most of the time coz i'm sitting at the sponsors table while he's sitting in my table with yuen and her bf, sue-li and her bf, shi yan, li cher, eveline and her date, jun nee and her date... nevertheless, got to take pics with him...
did i mention my baby look really really REALLY good in suit? hehehehe....
yup, he does... strangers even came up to him to take pic with him... what the hell...  i'm jealous....

anyway, after the ball, i had to leave early coz i want to... lolz... and i wanna spend some time with my friends which i was deprived of during the ball.. wanted to go maison initially, but afraid there might be a raid or something... so ended up in hard rock cafe... the band was good... really really good....

and that's how the ball begun and ended... spectaculiar nite.. everyone looked superb and gorgeous...

on hols now, for a week... it's not enuff!!!! i demand a longer holiday period...
was back in ipoh from sunday till fri.. my dog is even cuter after 2 months never see him... naughtier and fatter and more playful and smarter ady... lolz...
mommy brought me out for a shopping spree throughout the week... hehehe... i like!!!!! and she's here in sunway for the weekend too.... which means, MORE SHOPPING!! wEEeeEEeeeeeEEe!!!!

holiday's ending in 2 days time ady...  must enjoy every bit to the max... then it's back to studies... exam's starting on the 31st of oct...
then 2 weeks break before i start my industrial training in ipoh specialise centre for 2 months...
2 freaking months in ipoh... kenot!! i must come back to sunway for xmas and new year, else i will die and rot in ipoh...

Street party was held on friday, 25th August..
weather forecast say it's gonna be cloudy....
but...

IT RAINED HEAVILY!!!!

Lesson No. 1: Must check weather forecast
Lesson No. 2: Never ever EVER trust Malaysia's weather forecast
Lesson No. 3: Pray for rain to stop sincerely
Lesson No. 4: Never EVER curse on the day of the event, and never insult god...
Lesson No. 5: Must ALWAYS think positively, coz the moment we think negatively and thinking of Plan B, it rained super extremely very heavy....

the moment someone cursed, it rained even more heavily... wtf...

somehow, god likes listening to music i guess...
while we wait for the rain to stop, we did sound check for all the bands and performers...
i guess god likes to be entertained once in a while too...
it stopped raining when we finished the sound checks... lolz...

before that, we all decided to dance in the rain and enjoy the moment if it never stop raining at 8.30pm... hehe....

then, the rain stopped and the party started...!
kwok jon, nav and i had to holler at the condo hostel to tell the hostellites that the party's still on...

games were on, food eating competition was going on well... everything went well after all....

and.... coz of the rain, it was super cooling... ! no need to sweat at all... lolz...

anyhow, the event was a great success despite the hiccups and glitches...

next time, make sure pray hard hard before the event... and remember to burn joss stick as well...
everyone enjoyed themselves i guess...
i sure hope this event would be an annual thing... it's super fun!!

despite the tiredness and the fatigue, the sense of satisfaction makes it all worthwhile...

maybe we should organize wet water party instead... then everyone would be praying that it will rain... even if it didnt rain, can still use hose and buckets of water... hmmmm... can rite?