i don't know what's wrong with me..

sometimes i'm fickle, sometimes i'm extremely random can die dot com..

one moment i can be obsessed with something, the next i'm not..

i want it, but don't want it at the same time..

i'm happy but also not happy at the same time..

i want to let go, but something's holding me back..

i want to move on, but my heart and mind is dwelling on the past..

i just can't put into words my feelings right now.. it's all jumbled up into strings and strings of no end..

this sucks.. BIG time..

i just realised...

the last time i blogged was when i'm unemployed.. lol

how times have changed.. here i am, blogging after 3 months plus.. and employed ady too!! *grins*

well, loads of things happened for the past few months..

most of it are happy-fying stuffs of coz.. but then again, can't run away from sad and frustration too.. that's what KARMA is all about..

well, now that i'm employed, don't even think of drinking sessions.. =(
just when i thought i can enjoy the fruits of my labor, i'm laden with loads of bills!!!!
mom decided it's about time i contribute back to the family, she chucked all the apartment bills to me..
there goes my salary... *waves goodbye to paycheck every month*
just when i thought i can at least lay my hands on a Coach bag, she snatched my dream away..
guess i have to make do with my Kipling for now.. *cries*

work a b*tch, as usual..
sometimes it's busy till there's no time to eat, sometimes super free until can play online games..
oh...!! did i mention, office blocked facebook...!! ='(

to cut things short, it's been hell of 3 months..
got into an accident, bag got snatched, got nice lecture from boss..

some things happened for a reason, some things happened just because i want it to and some things happened unexpectedly..

it's just living proof that God really does exist..

just have to open our eyes super huge to realise that..

i'm in a love/hate relationship right now... with everything (not everyone) around me..
thank god i don't have a bf, to be in a love/hate relationship with.. else i think he'll die of my fickleness and randomness..

Yeap, just got home from Bangkok.
With minor injuries, to mommy's bank account.

Besides that, didn't enjoy the trip a single bit.
Partly cause mom was busy with her business deals there.
Most of the time it's cause of something that happened. Personal thing.

The person we spend time the most nowadays is a friend.
Everything has something to do with a friend.
Even when there are family issues, the first person you turn to is a friend.
And sometimes, friend gets the first priority above family and others.

But what is the meaning of friendship when one is taking advantage of the other?
I've always cherish friendship cause I know I need them to help me through certain times, and I, will definitely be there for them when they need me.
But then again, things has been happening lately which causes me to evaluate the type of friendship some 'friends' offered.
Never have I thought that giving a sincere friendship will result in none being given back.
Maybe I'm too nice of a person, always listen to their problems and giving advices.
Daddy taught me to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. 
Some may even think I'm trying to make this friendship to something more. However, that was never my intention. It takes 2 to tango.
Yet another case of jumping to conclusion.
I like listening to their problems and sharing it with them, at least they won't feel that they are all alone and at least there's someone to talk to.
But then again, I was yet proven wrong.

All the times I've listened and shared my thoughts meant nothing to them.
Doing things behind my back, setting me up.
Whatever happened to friendship?
I guessed it meant nothing to them.
The best part is, after all that they've done, they can still act as if nothing has happened.
Whatever happened to feeling guilty?
The times we spent talking and chatting away meant nothing at all.
Sometimes I felt that everything I do is just one sided.
I didn't mean to provoke any anger or hurt any feeling or any sort, not pointing any fingers to anyone.
And definitely not blaming everyone, some are just victims.
All I wanted is just be by them when they need me and hope to get that in return.

Sometimes it's not the way things are done, it's also the way words are said.
Everyone has feelings. Teasing is one thing, but too much of teasing would mean a whole other things.
Actions and words combined can really hurt someone even without realising it.

Guess I was too naive. Nothing comes free in this world nowadays, not even a simple friendship.
People say friendship is priceless, I guess it has value to it nowadays.
Everyone wants something in return.

I know what is happening and I'm disappointed and angry and sad and lost. Disappointed in everything that some of you have done.
And even when I knew what was happening for a long time ady, I kept quiet.
Kept on telling myself that it should not overshadow the good times that we had.
Kept on telling myself to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Kept on convincing myself with tonnes of other excuses.
I did not confront them, I don't believe in creating arguement unnecessarily.
Maybe I was making assumptions as well, that's why I'd rather it just stays in me.

I've actually set everything aside and forget about it, but it keeps on haunting me.

Will I ever find a genuine unconditional form of friendship nowadays?

I thank god I'm flying off to Bangkok on Tuesday.
At least it'll give me time to think and to just leave everything behind for a while.
After Bangkok will be my accounts exam, then Chinese New Year.
Then work begins.
At this point, I'm looking forward to working (can you believe that?! I might regret saying this in a months' time) and spending time with the boy .
At least I won't have so much free time to think of nonsense and stupid things. Sometimes, my mind likes to play games with me.
At least I can drown myself with work (all over again).

*note to myself*
Well, whatever that has happened is already the past. No point in dwelling on something that was long gone.
I will continue offering my friendship to them, but whatever they wanna offer back is not that important to me already. After all, I've already seen the worse.

the last i checked, last entry was on the 30th of october..
and now, it's the 11th of December, almost 1 and a half month without updates.. lol
to sum it all up, it's been hell of a rollercoaster ride in this interval..

November was the month of exam for all Monashians.. Also the month of many drinking sessions, hard rock cafe sessions, emotional whirlwind and not forgetting, birthdays..
Drinking session was almost every week, with every reason u can think of...
'Exam stress'
'Someone's birthday'
'Someone finished exam already'
and a whole string of other reasons... Sometimes, there's even no reason for drinking.. lol

my papers finished on the 14th of november... and on the same day, went back to ipoh with yvonne and trudy.. ken, his gf and jeff joined in too... had a great time eating and stuffing ourselves crazy.. everyone came home fat except for me..
my mom claims that i put on weight ady and gave me half the portion of what she gave the others..

like i mentioned, it's also a month of emotional whirlwind..
not only to me, but to those around me too..
had a rift with parents over their fairness to both my bro and i.. as expected, i gave up.. i couldn't stand the way they treat my bro but at the same time i don't feel like quarelling with them anymore.. it's just not worth the energy anymore..
given if this was 5 years ago, i'll be slamming doors and not talking to my parents for a week...

at the same time, personal matters was also lingering in my thoughts..
matters such as relationships, be it friendship or work or boy-girl.. everything came up at the same time..
i don't know if it's just me, but when problems happens, it happens in strings.. one after another..

i never liked being put in a position to choose things that matters most to me.. being asked to choose between friendship vs something more, work vs family..
and i'm those who puts everyone above myself.. i'd rather satisfy everyone than myself but in the end, i'm always at losing end all the time..
i must learn to say no at time already, that's what i've been trying to tell myself over and over again..
but sometimes, by saying no, it'll definitely hurt someone and i don't intend to do so.
and by being blunt, i might destroy something i don't want to..

in this same month as well, things are happening to my friends..
which made me evaluate my own situation and be thankful of where i stand today..
being in a relationship is a give and take situation..
what happens if one side is only taking and the others is only giving?
what if one party is treating the other like a kite?
always, in situations like this, the girl is at losing end..
are men born to be ignorant or did they chose to be ignorant?
are women born with sensitive emotions or is it by choice too?
loads of hints and feelings flare, but none is being acknowledge..
everyone is just trying to dodge the problem and convince that nothing had happened..
never ever make fear an excuse.. and that exactly what my dearest friend is going through..
i wished she does not have to go through all this emotional rollercoaster..
it's taking a toll on her, tiring her and changing her from who she was to who she is right now..
i'm not saying that change is not good, but it's very subjective..
i'm for good change definitely..
needless to say, i'll always be on her side no matter what.. and i'm sure all her friends will support her too..

on the other hand, i've got a question that has been lingering in my mind..
how would you know if the other party is being truthful to you and also being very sincere?
I'm not doubting my other half, i'm just scared...
i don't want to jump into a relationship only to realise that the other party is not being sincere and being taken for granted..
i've seen so many of this situations happening to people around me to the point that i'm afraid to commit my full feelings into relationships for the fear of being devastated in the end..
you'll never know when someone is trying to test you, or someone is trying to set you up, or someone is trying to play with you..

on a lighter note, i've finally moved on and hope everything goes well from now on..
mom called me the other day and asked if i'm seeing someone, i told her yes..
and her only advise,'if you are not ready to commit, don't be in a relationship. and if you are, compromise'.
simple advice, deep meaning..
she made me think..

Soon, I'll clean my room..
Soon, I'll start studying..
Soon, exam will finish..
Soon, I'll be a graduate..
Soon, I'll be in the corporate world, hopefully making a difference and making history..
Soon, I'll get my FIRST paycheck..
Soon, I'll be on my own..

So many soon.. and after all those are done with, there are bound to be another set of soon to come all over again..

Finally, I'm done with uni..
Finally, I'm ready to face the world..
Finally, it's all over..

Everytime it ends, and when we think it's FINALLY, it'll then start all over again with yet another set of soon..

Life is indeed full of uncertainty.. I think that's why mankind came out with the words soon and finally.. soon gives a temporary answer to uncertainty and possess a sense of relief that something will be done in the meantime... finally gives an impression that everything is over and it's all good..

As for me, it's a whole different story..

'Soon I will get over you, but I doubt it'll be anytime near now. Soon, I'll be happy, but not now. Soon, I'll stop thinking about you. But when finally comes, I hope soon will never end.'

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one
which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you
sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human, and
enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.

(http://www.mix.fm)

that's to sum up the monash motor show and street carnival..

that's also to sum up how people will look at me from now on... all because of my ganas-ness... crap...
all for the wrong reason...
how i wish people will say that when i did a good job or something like that.. LOL..

now i'm known for my ganas-ness... =S

it all started when an idiot decided to drift in the car park after we finish the motor show..
he crash into a tree and i was shouting my lungs off..
then i kinda lose it and yelled at him...
told him to get out of his car and sign the liability form..
and slammed the pen on the hood of his car...

the best part... he's 7 years older than me... but hey, i can't be thinking everyone is older and i've to respect everyone... it's a mutual feeling, you respect me and i'll do the same to you..

then now everyone knows about my ganas-ness... shyt...

not that i wanna lose temper or something, it's just that everyone's tired at that point and some joker decided to pull a stunt...

i'm so gonna be bf-less for at least a year...

and some even say they pity whoever my bf is... crap...

am i that bad?

i'm just speaking my mind, that's who i am.. takkan that also kenot? if i cant speak my mind, then everyone will bully and use me...

this incident is gonna stay with me for a while... =S

Just when I'm picking up the pieces of my life, You shattered it to fragments..

Just when I'm slowly accepting the fact and moving on, You halted my journey..

Just when I have my hopes back, You took it away from me..

Just when I thought everything will be fine, You proved me wrong..